Lockdown Linda narrative/voiceover

Introducing……Lazy lockdown Linda.

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I’m lockdown Linda and I never lift a finger

My only way of expression, through lockdown is depression.

I am no reader, I am more of a feeder.

Pizza boxes blocking out the sun, what have I become

Now I weigh almost a ton, so does my son,

Life is no fun without an iced bun.

The kids are under my feet and all I want to do is eat.

Pass me the wine it doesn’t matter about the time

Get up late nipples pointing through my vest,

Gregg’s sausage rolls are the best.

I’m lockdown Linda, I want to jump out the window

But when I hit the ground there’s no-one around

Why does it always rain on me, never anything on TV

I just want to get off this planet, with my shielded lover Janet.

I feel a fat sod just like a balloon, the hairdresser’s needs to re- open soon

My bush is overgrown, all I ever seem to do is moan

Birds nesting in my fanny, it’s quite uncanny

Clap, Clap for the NHS but I couldn’t care less,

But what about me! I’m blowing a raspberry

I’m lockdown Linda giving 2020 the finger  

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Furlough Fanny narrative/voiceover

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Furlough Fanny narrative/voiceover

Introducing….Furlough Fanny (a right sponger)

I’m Furlough Fanny, always sponging my windows, sparkling glass

When I bend over you can see my ass

Wringing out the past, oh it’s such a blast

Covid 19 supposed to be serious but I’m delirious,

I’m busy doing nothing but there’s no guilt

when I’m under my quilt dreaming of Rishi

Rishi Rishi you’re so dishy, you’re such a honey giving us free money.

Sponging off the Nation it’s my fixation.

 Money for nothing and lots of time for me

When furlough ends how will it be! Finding excuses like anxiety

And mental health to keep the wealth

I get my fix from Joe Wick’s 10,000 star jumps a day, to keep the doctor away

but I blow in the breeze, bend at the knees and fall over when I sneeze

I bask in the sun, it’s so much fun

Furloughed a word never heard hitting us like a turd.

No work, no worries lots of time all mine all mine.